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THE DREAM OF ESCAPE

I don't know if ignorance can be likened to confusion but it seems to me a lot of people don't realize that we have a habitual pattern we cling to.  It wasn't until recently I discovered that I'm always going in circles with escaping, which to me is a very intense habitual pattern I've clung to.  I'll physically escape prison or keep my mind on ways to escape.  I dream in my sleep of it, I walk my floor fantasizing of it, I become obsessed with it at times.  Thinking about escaping and working towards it is something I am very comfortable with and have always done since my incarceration.  There is happiness in the free world I tell myself.  I'm afraid to look for happiness here in prison.  I don't want to be in prison, it doesn't fit my conception of living and happiness.  I don't want to let go of my ego.  I may loose my identity and who I am, become another one of these nuts who's flipped out and never came back around here—on all kinds of medications not knowing if they are coming or going! 

I've clung to habitual patterns first and foremost because of ignorance—not realizing my actions and thoughts were even moving in a pattern.  After this realization I look and see that fear is the reason I continue clinging—fear of actually enjoying prison and being happy here.  I'm dead here, I tell myself, I don't want to live—"Not here"… Living and being happy here is an ego problem I definitely have.  Its breaking weak, letting the system win, becoming institutionalized—I'd rather suffer than break weak to these people—there is a pleasure in suffering like this, "I'm winning," they aren’t breaking me like some horse or dog!  I'm still me, rebelling and standing strong—Not letting the prison system's manipulative ways break me into submission—aren’t I???  I don't know… I used to think so, I don't know what I think now so I try not too.  This isn't good either ‘cause I'm just running from the problem—But is there a problem or am I just creating problems for myself???  I asked my tarot cards the same question on a one card view and got, of all the cards, the fool card, which you know represents ignorance and being blind to the world around you, fresh starts.  All sorts of meanings, but affirms I'm being a fool more less—But how do you change your emotions?  It’s not like changing your mind…

I've gotta give up my freedom in order to be free, don't I?  I have to give up the hope of ever finding love, or females, or kids, or a real life like normal people have.  I've got to be alone in a cell and lonely for the rest of my life it looks like.  Well, on the bright side, being alone and lonely is closer to nothingness than not being alone and lonely!

 J.T.

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